Returning to Frankfurt via Milan, Italy with Thoughts of Conscientious Objection

March 23, 2003 1436

On the train heading to the airport, and what a rat race it has been. I’m going to write more at the airport. It is a beautiful, clear day. I can’t wait to get home to Nora.
1615 – Aeroporti di Roma, Terminal A4. Man I am tired! I am sitting here waiting to fly out to Milano. I am pretty sure that I am the only American in this terminal. All flights out of here are domestic. I was all concerned about getting here on time, that I had to run from the Vatican to the hostel, pick up my bags, and run back to the train station. That is a major feat in Rome on the Metro. I don’t think Germans or Americans would tolerate the way Italians pack it in. Funny though, no one seems to mind that much – these people bump, trample, yell, gesture, and carry themselves confidently. Everyone is so well dressed too, and clothes really aren’t that expensive. Something I noticed though – when compared to Americans, in Europe it seems as if Americans put little forethought or purpose into what they do. When observing Europeans, I get the opposite impression.
1659 – Just boarded Airbus 321. This plane is a lot nicer – smells brand new. I am sure it will fall into neglect at the hands of the aircraft handlers, haha. Kidding. Well, I am going to relax right now – I am extremely tired. I ate some fries, since it is a little difficult to eat anything without meat here.
1717 – Taxing to runway. The hum of the engine starting is growing, growling, and vibrating my leg. Looking out of the window, there really isn’t a cloud in the sky. I am ready to get home to Nora. This will take off on runway 25, Rome should be able to be seen after take off – depending on visibility.
Rolling forward for take off, full power. 1730, liftoff! Now flying over the Med. It is very hazy. We are continuing to climb, the cabin is a little noisy though. I can see some cargo ships, that is amazing, this big sea between the Middle East, Africa, Asia (Turkey), and Europe. There is no telling where these ships are from. They are involved in trade though, just as the Roman and Greek ships of old. So much has taken place on this water below – it feels like I am witness to history just by seeing it.
1742 – Off coast of small island. I believe that I am seeing Sardinia and a very small island to my left. I am not sure if that is Sardinia, it may be the French coast. All of these small islands are very rocky and mountainous.
1747 – I think we are now flying over Livorno, parallel to the coast. In the far distance, I am pretty sure that I am seeing the Spanish-Franco rim and their mountains.
1756 – We are starting our decent into Milano now, I believe. Now we are going inland. Banking now to the left, slowing down. Below, there are some large mountains that seem to be directly on the coast. You can only make out their profiles through the ghost-white haze. The sun is sitting low on the sky, and these mountains are casting crooked shadows through the haze. We are going down into the mountains now – these being the foothills to the Alps. The haze is now very thick, just as it always is in Italy, especially the midlands.
1806 – Passing over a large river, forked at the top.
1810 – Full flaps, going in. Estimated altitude 1600 ft, so about 7 miles out 3 minutes to land – let’s see! Touchdown! 2 minutes 30 seconds – not bad! Runway 36R.
1850 – Irgendwo in Milano Aeroporti. Somewhere in Milan Airport. I think I am about to pass out, whew I am tired. I want to call home to Nora, but I still have another hour. There has been absolutely no passport check here, no stamps or anything. I really wanted one too. Man, this place is fashion city – advertisements everywhere for cosmetics, fashion, shoes, on and on. I think the Italians and French are very fashion-conscious, no two are dressed alike. Except for the police and the Carabinieri[1]. There are so many uniformed services here in Italy, it seems like 1 in 10 people are wearing a government uniform of some kind.
Ok, here is what happened this morning: I woke up at 6 a.m. because the sun was already bright. I tried to sleep some more, but couldn’t. I gave up, got up, and got in the shower. This shower was about 2 foot x 2 foot, totally nasty, and there was about 4 centimeters of water on the floor (this is Yellow Hostel, 44 Via Palestro). That added to the novelty though, and I tried to finish cleaning up as fast as I could.
I got dressed quietly, felt a little strange dressing up at a youth hostel, but packed my things, my stinky socks, and was tempted to tell the Australian guy I met the day before bye. I didn’t though, since I didn’t go out drinking with him as he suggested we do the night before. I don’t think he understood that I was making a pilgrimage. He was just traveling across Europe, working, then moving on. His next stop was Calais, France to clean boats. We talked about the war, and he said that he had never met a US soldier before. Well, I split after a while. Anyways, the guy was pro-war, pro-Bush, and kissing my American ass. I guess America and Australia have a lot in common if you think about it.
I left the hostel, and had a hard time finding a ticket machine, but finally did, and headed with the Metro to S.Piedro with a load of Hungarian Catholics, and nuns and priests. It was like the train to Catholic Disney World. Well, it was amazing weather outside, a bit cool, but a flawless, sapphire blue sky, that I have not seen in ages. I got into St. Pietro square after putting my bag through security checks. I found a seat center of the cathedral, surrounded by old Hungarian women and nuns. I used one seat as a spacer between myself and the older people. Hungarians were out in force! There was a Hungarian being canonized from the 1880-1930 period. There were a few other saints being named too. It was amazing to see so many people in one place, with flags from all over the world, all colors, all social classes.
The mass had almost begun when an old lady sat next to me, We didn’t speak, but I did the opening hymn in English, and then she asked where I was from. I said South Carolina, and she laughed asking what I was doing in Vatican City. Before I could answer, she asked if I was in the service. I told her about my life in Europe and about Nora and me. We discussed Iraq and a bit about our philosophy on the issue. She seemed to be totally against the war. I think that Australian guy was the only person I have met in months that is for war. Then the mass began in full.
It was a mass done in at least five languages. They would say one paragraph in German, and the next in Italian, the next in French. The Pope spoke seamlessly from one language to the next.
Here is what I recall of first seeing the Pope:
St. Peter’s was magnificent against a perfect blue sky, with white seagulls floating around and angelic voices singing. The world started fading away, and all the static that may exist between one and God is silenced at this point – you become perfectly focused on the mass.
A black, stately looking, sedan drove up the stairs onto the altar. It was out of view behind the altar. Then, I saw him, waving to the crowd, and the response was so loving. He was standing on a cart that wheeled him to his seat. I could see him well. The old ladies were about to pass out, saying “Oh my good God!” in Hungarian – for sure.
The mass was amazing, and I can only cheaply describe now what I felt, but I must later elaborate when I am able to write in peace. The atmosphere in St. Peter’s drew you in, it sobered you of worldly toxins, it focused you, and helped me to better understand my own religion. This mass was special, because we were celebrating the lives of extraordinarily good people, who lived their lives to make the world a better place, and they did it in the name of Christ. I looked around, and it felt as if St. Peter’s was the most peaceful place on earth, people celebrating, again – people of all backgrounds there for one purpose: to celebrate Christ, celebrate goodness, to recognize God.
The Pope looked energetic, he looked old. He, and you could see, was alive and well, only burdened by old flesh and bones. He smiled, he waved. He had some difficulty reading and speaking – but I knew he was speaking precious words at a time when we need it most, that he would soon leave this world, and that is even more cause to listen a bit more.
I came to realize that God’s love is real, and that peace is His will. I always dreamt of a society that truly lives in Christ, what would it be like? Today I experienced it, a mass of people with great faith. That faith, and the feeling I had to go to Rome, is what brought us all together. I understand better now that church isn’t just a chore, it should be a celebration, something you carry with you everyday…
2015 – On plane taxing to runway. RWY 36R is our runway.
2017 – In position, engines winding up – FULL POWER! Hard climb, stomach is sinking. Milano looks huge outside my window. I remember being down there in Milano in October 8, 2001 when we started bombing Afghanistan. Italians were nice then, concerned, even compassionate towards Americans, if you can imagine that. Now things seem to be the opposite.
[1] Special Italian police unit often tasked with counter mafia operations.

Demonstrations in Rome and Visiting the Vatican

March 22, 2003 1850 Via del Corso, Rome

I have much to catch up on from the Vatican. Right now I am feet away from the Carabinieri as a great many people have swarmed the city. I think it is a great thing that the people come together to remind the government who is still in charge. This is contrary, at least right now to the behavior of the proles in 1984. People together, for the cause of peace, especially the young people gives me hope that there will be less room in the world for war. I think this is wonderful—as I stand here to show that I too am against the war, pro-humanity, pro-family, and pro-tolerance. I have never seen anything like this before, but I am happy that it is happening.
1940 – Mc Donald’s near Spanish Steps. Ahh, Mc Donald’s! I had a cheeseburger without meat! Quite nice actually. Not eating meat is easier than I thought it would be. Well, Dean and I were at this Mc Donald’s back in 2000, in fact, I remember a lot about this place and the surroundings. As for Mc Donald’s being part of an evil empire, I don’t know about that, but I do know that this Mc Donald’s employs a lot of people. Some of the anti-American protesters are eating here now! No shame. The people here are really nice though. On to the Vatican…
Today at the Vatican was an amazing experience, and now I know why I came. When I walked up to St. Peters, I was awestruck at the architecture and art, I have never seen such a gem on this earth. It is a real tribute to faith, something other worldly. Walking through its cavernous passages, light shown eerily through some glass, shining a hundred feet below, through a haze. It is something that must be experienced. I do think that the tourists should be kept out during certain hours though. After climbing the dome of St. Peters, I returned to the main floor for prayer. The sacrament of confession is given there as well. I went and waited in line with some other Americans, but no one spoke. When I went in, I told the priest that I am in the Army, and that I may go to Iraq – but I cannot kill another human being. He told me to respect authority, but to defend what is right, defend my life and the lives of others – and that a preempted war is immoral, and that both leaders will be judged before Christ. That I believe as well. He was strong, the priest, and his voice, and his interest, with a passion he made clear and undoubtable with his eye contact. My contact was focused too, and we were on the same wavelength. He said to talk to Jesus, and he will answer. Usually this would be private, but he told me to come to the front so he could give me something, he was friendly and serious, and really conveyed well to me that he knew exactly what I was going through. He blessed me and told me of the Pope before John Paul II and that he was a soldier in World War One. I needed a direct answer, and he understood that. I really found what I was looking for. My faith is stronger for this. I wonder about Turkey, our ships turned away – the ships that were supposed to carry my division to Iraq. I think that is more that coincidence. I feel for all that are involved though, very little for the perpetrators. My belief is that human beings can reach a state of grace through God – all I have seen today has reinforced that. Human beings at their best, through love of God – as taught by Jesus, and the expression of that love – an example being art – as seen here. What is wrong with that? If we accept war, if we accept that as “human nature,” then this is all that we will ever be! Can we not be human beings, and able to achieve more? Is peace so repulsive that we should never know it in honesty? I walk through the ruins today, and I saw civilization – highly complex, calling out to us from years ago. If all we are humans of nature, then we are Roman, we are dead souls. Is this all we are capable of, repeating history over and over again? I really do wonder.
I miss Nora, and I am feeling tired. I am going to head back to the Vatican…
2114 – Vatican City. It’s times like this that you fully come to understand, and perfectly, that life is special, and of that which makes us special, we know only the tip of the iceberg. I am sitting with my back to the pointed pillar in the middle of St. Peter’s square, facing St. Peter’s. There is a cool wind blowing, bringing with it the smell of Rome – a smell I instantly noticed when I was downtown today, as I did in 2000. It is a starry night tonight, no moon. It seems as if the stars and the sight of St. Peter’s before me all belong in the same universe. It seems as if they are satellites of sorts to this brotherly being.
Peace does exist. I am experiencing it right now. We need to be more as a people. We need to help each other to get back up on our feet, the Roman Empire has crumbled, but the Catholic Church still stands, and it stands on faith. Faith is the answer. Life isn’t ordinary, even when it seems so, we maybe just aren’t living it. Children, you will one day read this. I want you to come to Vatican City one night, take a seat where I am sitting – find some stars if they are out, and know that God loves you – no matter what. Think, and listen. I could stay here all night. I miss Nora, she is a miracle to me. I remember the night before I got my assignment in 2001 in Germany, there was very little chance that I would get Friedberg. This I knew and the sergeant rather enjoyed reminding me of this point. That night before I got assigned – I prayed, I begged all night, and I made a promise. My prayers were answered, and I am very aware of that. I have been so happy, I have found my best friend, and I know it. I am thankful, and I am glad that I came here. Nora and I will be here soon too. It is time to go. I pray for peace.

Departing Frankfurt, Germany for Vatican CIty in Search of Answers to Doubts About War

Saturday March 22, 2003

Today there is a war, and today is the day after the massive air strike in Baghdad. The war began two days ago, such a strange day in Friedberg. All was grey and depressing. There is a surreal feeling in the air, as if all things normal have come to an end, and time has stopped, while in some far off Martian land, Americans – Jimmy, Jason – are rolling across the desert. It is broadcast live on the news, news reporters laugh and jest, compliment each other on their graphics and pictures. Unexplainable patriotism possesses you. I woke up on Thursday morning early, and I had seen that the war had begun. I said nothing, for I expected it. I didn’t wake Nora up to tell her though. Everyone would find out soon enough. I am hoping for the best outcome, but I hate that children are going to be subject to so much violence, loss, and insecurity. Hurricane Hugo was terrible for me with six plus hours of furious winds that destroyed our land. I can only image such a man made disaster.
I remember the first Gulf War, clearly. I remember when the first missiles landed live in Baghdad – seeing the night images on CNN. I ran to the bathroom and I started getting upset, looked into the mirror, and then started to cry. I looked into my own eyes and knew that war was wrong. I knew people would be killed. This came a short time after Hurricane Hugo, the disaster still fresh in my mind. I thought of this as Mara and Ronja looked at me when I came home on Thursday night. They looked frightened; they had the look in their eyes I had seen in my own eyes twelve years earlier. I recognized it instantly, like an old acquaintance not seen for ages, but instantly recalled in memory. We must never underestimate the power of our actions, our behavior, and our example on the children.
I need answers, as to whether what is happening in the world is God’s will, or the will of men. I am going to Vatican City, and this is where my new journal begins. Our plane is being pushed from the terminal now. The attendant man is speaking in Italian. MD-80 I believe we are flying in. It is a clear, perfect day. I miss Nora, I love her, it will be good to get home to her – especially in these times.
There are some C-17s[1] from Charleston in the distance. Seeing them reminds me so much of growing up there and wanting to fly them. I now know that if that happened, I would always be gone – involved in the air bridge for the war. Are there institutions where you can get air training without first having to go into the military?
We are about to take off. The C-17 has pulled in front of us for take off. Both of our aircraft are sitting on the runway, ready for take off. I suppose the C-17 got in front a few hundred yards because it requires a short take off distance. I’m looking at the aircraft terminal, all kinds of aircraft to see. I love airports – so many nations in one place. 7:34 a.m. Take off! My stomach is pulling low into that barrel of my hips – and now all is calm, soaring above Frankfurt, heading south. It’s a little hazy up here, I estimate it to be about 4,000 feet. Continuing to climb… This Alitalia jet is funny to me. As soon as I got onto the thing, I noticed it was dirty. No, I have reevaluated the interior – and it really isn’t dirty. It is grungy though – I imagine the plastic panels in the cabin to be cigarette stained, the metal scratched, and the green seats something of 1980 vintage. Ahh, Italy! I imagine some Italian aircraft handlers smoking cigarettes as they fueled the plane, checked out all of its vital components, and vacuumed the interior carelessly, whilst flicking the butt of a used cigarette behind a seat. Not only this, but they are part of a worker’s union, of Communists who watch TV the majority of the day in the operations office – until they go home at 1600! Haha! I amused myself earlier at this thought as I entered the plane – just in fun.
The crew service is funny. Meals are distributed as I imagine would a popcorn or beer vendor would at a Yankees game. The men are very casual and the women very matriarchal in manner. You feel as if they are your peers. This is very relaxed, very matter of fact, very real. I like it.
We have just crossed the Alps at 0810 and crossed a VOR[2], as indicated by our slight left banking turn, about 15 degrees south west, I estimate. The Alps are magnificent, they are so vast, ancient cathedrals rising into the sky – and they really do rise into the sky. There were jagged peaks, snow-covered lakes, cloud formations over valleys. They must go on for 300 miles to my left. Looking back towards the Alps, they look like jagged, whitewashed walls of a fortress. The gates and walls of central Europe. There was a cloud bank on the Italian side of the Alps for some miles, but now that has cleared to reveal the green surface of Toscana. Italian landscape reminds me of a green scrub brush surface, used, that you find in a kitchen. There is a river below – now two, running parallel of each other and to the east. I also see a contrail about 800 feet below us that is running perfectly along our flight path. 0820 – Now there are more mountains, some quite large, and we are banking about 20 degrees to the south east. This must be the midlands, but those mountains are bigger than I thought they were, having seen them by car a few times.
It is hard to imagine that out to the left, to the east, towards the sun, across the horizon before me, and a little to the south, is Greece – then Lebanon, Jordan, and then Iraq (about a three hours in flight time from here to Baghdad). Aircraft flying higher than my altitude, about 29,000 feet my altitude, B-52s at 40,000 through 50,000 feet are or were dropping bombs on cities like I am seeing below me right now. Is a bomb really so accurate that it can pick out a target (like the buildings I see below) and destroy it and it alone? Or do they fall in some 50 meter vicinity? 0837 – Descent.
When up here, you realize how small we are, how vast the world is, and the real space that exists between cultures. When we have mass media, instant war action on TV, and global communications, it really is easy to feel as if the world exists in the confines of 100 square kilometers. Especially for people who don’t travel. This may contribute to our society’s tendency to support war in far off lands. It feels (crisis) close to them, crawling at their door. It seems so peaceful up here. How could anyone drop a bomb from up here? I remember talking to that stealth fighter pilot in Charleston who seemed disturbed and told me the Air Force is not for him anymore, and to seriously think before joining. I was there in my school uniform and just thought he needed some sleep. He was messed up about something though. He eventually said that he was in Kosovo during the bombing raids, and he had to stop in Charleston on the way back to Nevada for the air show. He said he is always gone, and that he misses his family. Now I know why, or perhaps have a better understanding of why he had the look of a dead man in his eyes.
Approaching Da Vinci from the east, just turned the base for approach over part of the Mediterranean. Landscape is awesome. It has almost been 3 years exactly since I was here with Dean Sharp. Altitude is about 2,000 feet, we must be about 6 miles out. 0846 – Gear down, 5 miles. 1,000 feet, 3 miles, full flaps, 1.5 miles, 400 feet, 1 mile, 300 feet, 0.5 miles, 200 feet. 100 feet, 1 mile – calculations off by two miles perhaps. 50 feet, flaring. 0850 touchdown! Nice landing! Still rolling! It is cloudy here, a bit overcast and foggy. 34R was the runway we landed on. Safely landed, now heading to the terminal. Hopefully all will go well getting to the hostel. I saw an airliner MD-11 from World – the exact same airline that brought me first to Europe. Time to get off the plane and call Nora!
0943 – On the train waiting to depart for Rome city. We are pulling out now. Of course, I picked the cabin with smoking! Neh, it smells of smoke in here, I hope it doesn’t linger on my clothing. I found a little place to sit, and now I am listening to some radio – surprising! No hip-hop? Of course there is a little Red Hot Chili Peppers already, but something that I have always liked about Italy is that they use very little English. More songs here are in Italian rather than English. Hmm, there are some interesting people sitting in my cabin. One guy looks like rather strange, like a European (Eastern) drug mafia villain like you see in the movies – painted eyebrows and all. To my left are some Americans – there are a lot of Americans here, all over. There was an American couple on the plane, and they had twins, 6 weeks old. When we got on the bus to go to the Rome terminal, a young Italian couple offered to hold one of their babies. It made me smile - everyone was very friendly to this American couple- who were Army or Navy for sure, and loud, typical Americans. But people liked them. I love seeing positive human interaction like that. I think it makes a difference. There are a lot of Germans here too!
0955 – Still on the way to Rome, already have seen rainbow “PACE” flags hanging about. 2 or 3. This may be a sampling of things to come. I hope to get some insight into how Europe feels about this war on a personal level. Again, I am in Italy during a war. Last time, Brian, Cory, and I were in Milano when we struck Afghanistan. We had just arrived from Genoa and had to go to the police station because the guys didn’t bring a passport. We got a paper from the police, got our hotel room, and then turned on the TV to see “America Strikes Back,” on CNN of course. Hours later we left after talking to the owner and getting a very nice breakfast with friendly service. We were driving out of Milano and saw a plume of smoke. A plane had crashed at the airport. We decided to head for the Swiss border as soon as possible. We weren’t supposed to be in Italy at all, and we had been from Venice to Pisa in a day. We contacted Germany, and our office said that we were not needed for an alert – all was ok. The atmosphere was tense though, scrutinized at the Swiss and German boarders. There were strict controls in place. Now I am back in Italy. Oh yes, I was in Rome when we were bombing Kosovo too. Or soon thereafter. Americans weren’t too popular back then – this time, I am here to go to the Vatican, to get some answers, and to observe the ruins of a former world superpower. We are pulling into the station now, more later…1013.
1220 – Tomb of Unknown Soldier. Got room and en route to St. Peter’s I got a bit lost, but all is not lost. I happened across the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, or so I believe it is called, and already there is a group of protesters. Greenpeace is here and has managed to chain themselves to two large, rather massive, flagpoles – and strung a huge banner across the monument protesting the war. It’s pretty impressive, there are a lot of rescue workers here trying to get them down. One woman was just removed from the pole safely by the fire department. Quite a stunt, but it takes a lot of courage to do what they have done. I think this is a good thing – we need checks and balances. Continuing on…
1414 – On top of the dome of St. Peter’s, Vatican City. Made it to the top of St. Peter’s, just as Father Sam suggested. It is amazing, the journey to the top like a journey skywards towards grace. The portals to the top were slanted at times, something I have never seen before. The Vatican itself is another page. It is crowded here, so it is time to head back down. God is great.

[1] Large cargo planes operated by the U.S. Air Force and Britain.
[2] VOR is the VHF Omnidirectional Range navigation beacon used worldwide

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